Ebb and Flow
by Roisin Dubh
Summary: What advice could Vandalyn possibly offer Usaki about Obi-Wan Kenobi? This story is a Christmas gift for my friend and fellow fanfic writer, M.


**Ebb and Flow**

_Author's Note_

This story is a Christmas gift for Morohtar. He has done some wonderful Star Wars-based fanfics: _Rule of Two_ and _Compassion_, where his OC, Usaki, and her relationship with Obi-Wan Kenobi figure prominently. Much to my delight, Morohtar incorporated Vandalyn, my OC from Consequences, into both of his stories.

For Christmas this year, he told me that – for a gift – he would like me to write a brief story for him where Vandalyn gave Usaki some advice. This was quite a challenge since Usaki and Vandalyn aren't exactly friends. The story below is a result of that request. There are a few references to Obi-Wan Kenobi, who factors greatly into Morohtar's work, and Qui-Gon Jinn, who plays a role in mine, but the crux of the story is the conversation between Vandalyn and Usaki.

If you decide to continue, I hope you enjoy this little story!

_nn – nn – nn –nn – nn_

Usaki was uncomfortable, and she disliked being uncomfortable, especially when it was the uncertainty that was coiled deep within her that was causing it. Obi-Wan was closeted away with Bail and the others, and – despite the Jedi Master's assurances – they still distrusted her. She could feel it. And she resented it. But the resentment was not the cause of her concern; it was this whisper at the back of her mind, a feather that tickled at her awareness that she could not brush away. That was what woke her at night and distracted her during the day. It had been there ever since they returned to Coruscant.

Usaki had reached out through the Force, trying to grab at whatever it was, but it always seemed to slip between her fingers and run through her grasp. Finally, she grew tired of the game and tired of waiting for the others. Patience had never been one of her star qualities. Usaki meditated for a short time, and as she emptied her mind, she felt the compulsion to walk. Knowing her Force awareness would alert her to any danger, she allowed her mind to guide her feet without argument and eventually she found herself at the Jedi Temple. Or, at least, what was left of it.

After the fall of the Jedi, the Temple fell into disrepair. She walked among the stone and crumbled walls. It was an oddity among the metal and plasti-glass, the artificial and man-made things of this planet. She ran a hand along the surface of one stone. Although it looked smooth, there were tiny hills and divots in the surface and she shut her eyes as she traced her fingers across the individual marks. Some of these had been carved by hand, others by the power of the Force. Each was a work of art in its own right.

She remembered this place from when she first trained as a padawan, in the days before her fall. The walls had been tall and the windows had allowed light to flood into the interior of the building. Usaki stopped and picked up a fallen, brown leaf and crumbled it beneath her fingers. There had been gardens here once, one of the few places on Coruscant with growing, lush greenery and gorgeous flowers. Now it was hollow and dead.

_I remember thinking how much more beautiful I was than this building, _she thought. Usaki frowned. Physically she was perfect, the embodiment of what all men desire, and her beauty was remarked upon throughout the galaxy. There was a time she would have preened under that knowledge, flaunted it and used it to her advantage.

Now? Now it was an empty victory. She was perfect without, but empty within.

There was a profound silence here; ghosts she could sense but could not see. Among the fallen stones and fractured columns there were memories, and Usaki began to wonder what had drawn her here._ I came here as a young girl, when the darkness seemed far away and that I was too perfect for it to touch me, despite my avaricious desires. _She remembered sitting in the different rooms, and the gardens, with her own Master, Mace Windu, being guided through meditations.

Her feet drew her forward through the maze of stone and memory.

Usaki walked quietly through a half-crumbled archway. It opened into a large chamber. Looking up, she saw that only part of the roof still stood. She remembered this place. This was where the great Jedi conclaves met, and where the most honored and respected Masters lay on their biers when their spirits moved beyond and became part of the Force. Usaki had only seen one Jedi funeral, and that had been from afar, but on one who saw the funeral pyre of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn ever forgot that night.

She frowned again. The memory of Qui-Gon brought others in its wake, memories of Vandalyn Mateo, and the love she and Qui-Gon shared. A love Usaki desired, but could never find; a love she had mocked because she could not possess it. Then she froze. Just ahead, seated on a stone, a robed figure faced the wide platform where the pyres were staged. The robe was brown, woven and looked worn and comfortable. Light from somewhere seemed to suffuse the material with a gentle glow.

Usaki's 'saber flared to life and the weapon's hum resonated in the room. "Who are you?" demanded Usaki. "Why are you here?" Anyone who could slip into the ruins of the Jedi Temple without her detecting them was a threat as far as she was concerned, and was far too close to Obi-Wan. They had fought too hard to get where they were, and trust was thin as it was. Usaki was not going to let anyone get too close to Obi-Wan and risk the others accusing her of betrayal.

"Identify yourself!" Every muscle in Usaki's body coiled and her mind screamed for her to just attack, but that would be giving in to fear. And giving in to the fear was something she refused to do: Obi-Wan would be disappointed if she did. The figure stood slowly, and turned, drawing down the cloak's hood. Auburn hair, the sides caught back in a Master's braid, spilled over the mysterious figure's shoulder.

"Vandalyn…" The name was a mere whisper, almost a hiss, as it passed Usaki's lips and out of sheer, raw instinct she dropped into a defensive pose, bringing the 'saber to the ready. Rarely had she and Vandalyn met when the encounter didn't result in a fight of some sort.

Vandalyn chuckled softly. "I am already dead, Usaki. What do you hope to accomplish you're your 'saber? Kill me again?"

Usaki ground her teeth, feeling foolish, and deactivated the weapon. "I was not the one who killed you the first time," she snapped. _Although I have often wished it was me._

The two women stared at each other for a long time. Usaki drew herself up to her full height. Dressed head to toe in rancor leather that fit her like a second skin; she exuded sexuality, desire, and the promise of uncountable pleasures. Vandalyn's face remained impassive. At first glance, she looked positively dowdy compared to Usaki's vibrant display, but there was a strength and confidence as she moved that spoke volumes of what was concealed by her comfortable tunic and snug leggings. There was a flash in her hazel eyes as Usaki used the Force to test Vandalyn's defenses.

"Do you feel nothing?" asked Usaki.

"I feel everything," answered Vandalyn. "But I have known the passions you offer so you cannot seduce me with your temptations. Everything you offer I have known with Qui-Gon and that is all I need."

"Then why are you here?" Usaki's voice was bitter. The last thing she wanted was a reminder of the love Vandalyn and Qui-Gon shared.

"Because of you. Because of Obi-Wan. Because all those years ago, I should have sensed you changing. I should have but I did not because my attention was elsewhere: Qui-Gon, the difficulty Obi-Wan was having with our relationship, so many other things." Vandalyn's eyes softened."But when I understood how you were manipulating Obi-Wan, I only saw his pain. And Qui-Gon's. I did not see yours and I should have…"

Usaki flared and the bitterness in her voice took on a raw, jagged edge. "No one saw it. _No one._ Not even I even truly saw it, but then you pushed me. You pushed me into the Darkness, Vandalyn Mateo!"

Vandalyn's face hardened. "You were a Dark Jedi before we fought. I sensed it in the way you toyed with Obi-Wan. I sensed it the instant you overpowered Mari'el with your passions on that mag-lev train. You did not understand love; you only valued lust and its use as a weapon. I know because you used it on Mari'el, and you tried to use it on me. You walked up to the Dark Side and stepped over the edge all by yourself, Usaki Daikatana."

_The way you toyed with Obi-Wan._ That was a sharp dagger to Usaki's heart because it was the truth. She had toyed with Obi-Wan when they were padawans; Usaki had manipulated him in more ways than she cared to remember.

"Yes, I was at the edge when we fought all those years ago," said Usaki. "But when you shattered my 'saber… my blue 'saber…" The feeling of horror and loss welled up in Usaki as if the battle had just happened. "Something broke inside me; I had no anchor. No 'saber? No Master. How easy it was to get sucked into the center of the storm, to embrace the darkness. To hate you for what you'd taken from me."

Usaki gazed off into the distance, unable to stop the memories. Her defeat at Vandalyn's hands. Her jealousy of what Qui-Gon and Vandalyn shared, and how no amount of sex could fill that void. The weeks of wandering with no focus after her 'saber had been shattered, and then finding Dooku. The feeling of being wanted, belonging, of having a Master again… and then the things he'd made her do in order to earn her new light saber. Awful, demeaning, cruel things that twisted her emotions so tightly that Usaki wasn't certain what she truly felt. There was only lust, desire, and the satisfaction of twisting others to her will. The Dark Side embraced her as greedily as she embraced it.

When she pulled herself out of the harsh memories, Usaki turned her face to stone so that Vandalyn would not see the pain. It didn't matter that Vandalyn's Force Ghost could feel the emotional turmoil. But Usaki was surprised; instead of looking victorious, Vandalyn looked almost sad.

"I'm sorry, Usaki."

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" She didn't want Vandalyn's pity.

Vandalyn looked thoughtful. "I had not thought of what would happen to you after your 'saber was shattered. I thought only to sever you from the Jedi; I should have thought of a way to help you return to us instead of driving you away. Maybe it would have made no difference, but I am sorry now that I did not try."

"Do or do not, there is no try." As Usaki repeated the words that Master Yoda had said to many, many padawans, Vandalyn did not miss the mocking tone. And after, an uncomfortable silence stretched between them.

"How did you hold him?" Usaki's question was sudden.

"Hold him?"

"Qui-Gon Jinn. How did you make him love you? How did you hold onto him?"

It took Vandalyn some time before she answered. "I would like to tell you that I didn't hold him." She shifted and the Force aura around her shimmered. "I would like to tell you that but it would be a lie."

Usaki's delicate, sculpted eyebrows went up slightly.

"I wanted to hold him so terribly close to me, to make sure nothing ever happened to him. But I knew I could never do that; I couldn't control him, and if I tried it would destroy what we had. I had to let Qui-Gon be who he was. So, I did hold him, but I did it as gently as I could. Gently enough that it didn't bind him. But when he… died… I understood all too clearly just how tightly I had held him. And it almost destroyed me."

"I remember seeing you that day," said Usaki, her eyes distant. "I had never seen someone in that much agony. You were… almost terrifying. And if the roles had been reversed, if Darth Maul had struck you down, I know that same look would have been etched on Qui-Gon's face. How can you make someone love you that much?"

"You ask because you are starting to feel that kind of love for Obi-Wan, yes?"

Usaki stared hard at Vandalyn and refused to look away. Finally, Vandalyn raised a hand. "Fine. Keep your secret but I know what I feel around you in the Force. You guard it well in front of him… when you are not teasing him… but your thoughts are freer here."

"You have not answered me." No matter what Vandalyn could sense, Usaki was not going to answer that question.

"You cannot _make_ someone love you, Usaki, not like that. Yes, you could use the Force and manipulate someone, play on their hopes, their fears, their desires. You have known how to do that since you were a child. But that kind of love is a lie, a lie based on weakness, not on strength." Vandalyn reached down and scratched in the soil around her stone. She held out one hand and uncurled her fist. In her palm lay a small pebble.

"The love you are starting to feel is not a stagnant thing. It is not made of stone, something you carve to suit your own vision." She tossed the stone away and Vandalyn opened her other hand. In this one was a small bit of soil with what looked like another pale stone in it.

"What is that?" To Usaki, this felt distinctly like another esoteric lesson, something she would have learned as a padawan. She bristled but Vandalyn ignored her.

"The love you are starting to feel, that is finally starting to dawn in your soul, needs to be cared for. A seed like this one hibernates in the soil. It can lie, dormant and neglected for years, waiting for the right time. Waiting for rich soil, and clean water, and the comforting warmth of a sun."

"How maudlin," Usaki growled.

But Vandalyn continued to gaze at the little lump of soil. It shimmered and quavered in her hand, and a thin shoot came up out of the seed and a few tiny leaves unfurled. What made Usaki gasp was when Vandalyn took her hand. There was a strong tingle of energy as Vandalyn turned Usaki's palm up and placed the fragile seedling in her care.

"Now, think about Obi-Wan," said Vandalyn. "Think about how he makes you feel; all of the ways he makes you feel. And think about how you want him to sense you when he touches your energy within the Force. Put aside any desire for him for now, and think about what you want to share of yourself…"

Somewhat reluctantly, Usaki did as Vandalyn asked. She thought of when she rescued Obi-Wan, and of his recovery. She thought of the flirtatious dance they entertained themselves with, and how he had given her trust and empathy and honesty. When she was with him, she did not feel so empty inside. She still desired, certainly, that was part of her nature, but the emotions she felt from Obi-Wan? They had substance, they could sustain her, nurture her… Usaki's eyes widened as she felt a jolt of the Force around her. She looked down at her hand and discovered that the seedling looked more substantial and it now offered two buds. One stayed tightly sealed but the other began to peel open, showing beautiful purple-blue petals.

"What does this mean?" demanded Usaki. "That love is like some budding flower?"

"First you say I am maudlin and now you accuse me of being trite?" Vandalyn laughed. "The flower of love analogy is a tired one, I will grant you that, but that's not what this is about. This is about the ebb and flow of the Force bringing you back to where you need to be. At least, if you will allow it to do so. The power you've just wielded is based in emotion, but in tempered emotion. The flowers bloomed because you have found emotions that sustain you. It comes not only from what you know, and what you wish to be. It comes not only from what Obi-Wan has taught you, but from what you now understand about yourself."

"You speak in riddles like a true Jedi Master."

"Qui-Gon will be pleased. He was ever so talented with cryptic advice."

There was something in Vandalyn's tone that irritated Usaki, and her voice turned to ice. "I have never liked you, Vandalyn."

"I know." Vandalyn smiled. "And I have never liked you."

"So I ask you again, why are you here? I have no need of your pity."

"This is not pity, Usaki," answered Vandalyn. "You are changing. As I said before, the flow of the Force has taken you far; brought you through some of the darkest, deepest parts of the Dark Side, and now I think it is bringing you back. I know what you have done in the past, and despite my desire to judge you on that and be done with you, I must measure you on who you are now and who you are becoming. And that is how you must measure yourself."

"That is difficult to do," said Usaki.

"It is. The others… they do not trust you; they may never trust you. But Obi-Wan does, and you must trust him. And trust yourself. You are not alone in your journey. Remember that."

"Do you trust me?" Usaki's voice turned sultry.

"Not entirely." Vandalyn's response was frank and honest as she rebuffed the wave of passion that rolled off of Usaki. "But Obi-Wan trusts you and I have learned to trust Obi-Wan. I hope you are worthy of the faith he is putting in you."

In the next instant, Vandalyn's Force Ghost disappeared, leaving Usaki alone with her thoughts and the tender young bud. She knelt near one of the basins that used to hold flowers and dug a small hole with her finger, not caring that the dirt and the mud smeared on the rancor leather. She tucked the seedling in and left it there to grow and hopefully flourish.

As she left, the second bud opened, revealing the beautiful flower it had hidden.


End file.
